These Boots Were Made for Walking ... Through the Fire Swamp, Apparently.

So it's fall in the city again, that gorgeous time of year when the air becomes crisp and the leaves start turning gold. Every day twilight lasts a little longer, and the smell of Nutz 4 Nuts drifting through the air is like heaven in a little waxed-paper bag. It's the time of year when a young woman's thoughts turn to one thing: boots. At least this is true if you're me. No, seriously. I have calves that are the size of some women's thighs, and every fall I go on a massive, city-wide hunt for knee-high boots that will encompass their tree-trunk-like girth without making me look like an elephant. (Actually, I have bought boots that make me look like an elephant in the past simply because I can get the zipper all the way up.) I'm a leather snob and I won't wear stretch, faux leather, or fabric boots, which makes it doubly hard to find something in my size. Strangely, this ongoing obsession has led to me actually owning more boots than most women probably do. I have 3: one basic, pointy-toed sleek black pair (these are my work-appropriate pair, and I love them), one pointy-toed mushroom-colored pair (bought at almost 80% off on a summer sale two years ago! but they are hard to match), and one pair of heavy black leather harness boots that I bought because I wanted something more casual. I started regretting this purchase almost immediately, as the boots are way more Western than I can really pull off, and the heaviness of the sole/heel makes me feel like I'm walking in galoshes when I wear them. I may try to sell them on eBay this year. But anyway! So the kind of boot I am coveting currently is a knee-high, flat-heeled style, like so: Dangit, these images came out much smaller than I expected, and I'm too annoyed to download all the pictures and combine them into one file again. But, from top to bottom and L to R: Frye's Bonnie Tall Riding boots, BCBG Petler boots, Aerosoles [couldn't find name], and Marc by Marc Jacobs [couldn't find name]. The BCBGs are a pretty brown croc print. I heart them possibly the most, although I did see a woman wearing the Aerosoles last year and the little added hardware actually looked really hot. I found all of these when I was window-shopping online yesterday (THERE'S NO HARM IN LOOKING). As you can see, they're all sort of pseudo-equestrian, but slimmer and not as structured. I wouldn't call them pirate or Robin Hood boots exactly--both names have been floating around for the last couple of years, but I think both those styles have fold-over tops and, like, extraneous straps . . . . . . or would you call them that? Because later that night I turned on the TV, and lo and behold, on the screen was the swashbuckling Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, and on Inigo Montoya were ... the boots I want!!! Actually, everybody in this movie has the boots I want. Examine: From L to R: Evil genius Vizzini; reformed drunk and reknowned swordsman Inigo Montoya; and gentle giant Fezzik. Each sporting a pair of suede boots that any fashionista would be proud to own. I believe that Vizzini's leggings have also been seen out and about town, most recently on Lindsay Lohan. The Dread Pirate Roberts has a pair (leggings and boots): So does the Princess Buttercup, in a charming, whimsical red that matches her romantic, fairy-tale frock. (I wouldn't recommend this look for the peasantry, as it might come off as a little too matchy-matchy while strolling through SoHo. Plus that skirt is really too full to work with those sleeves.) Aw, Westley and Buttercup's boots, together at last. (Hmm. Maybe if you lopped 3 feet of fabric off the hem of her dress and made it a tunic, to balance the sleeves? I think I saw something like it at Macy's.) No really. EVERYONE in this movie has a pair. Even the Six-Fingered Man, Count Rugen, and a horde of extras/henchmen: In conclusion, I need to find the costumer for this 1987 classic freaking ASAP, because clearly only she knows how to adequately address the problems that are my C.O.U.S. (Calves of Unusual Size). According to IMDB her name is Phyllis Dalton. Phyllis, if you're reading this, please call me. I have complete faith in you. If you can find boots to fit the calves of Fezzik the Giant, you can find boots to fit me. Srsly. Call me.